New way of defining success 2023

Sitting in a cabin in the mountains, surrounded by pines strewn with a thick layer of snow, alone with my thoughts. I want more of these days. My husband and the kids have just left for a day of skiing and I am here with the day wide open. The freedom is refreshing and daunting. What can I do with so much time at my disposal? How can I make it worth it? Be cautious because this will not last, I tell myself. I follow this up with: then I will strive to build more of these days for myself.

A few years ago, my sister told me that my calendar is under my control. No, I explained to her with strained patience. You don’t understand what it is like to have work obligations be such a consuming part of your life. There are “golden handcuffs” which tie me to this job- massive student debt, opportunity costs of a long training process and the current job security and income potential make it illogical to leave and pursue an alternate career path. But I have mulled this over at various points since she told me this with such matter-of-fact clarity. I have realized the power in embracing those words. My calendar- my day, my week and my year- is, in fact, under my control. I choose to stay at this job. I choose to say yes to tasks that do not bring me joy or growth, I choose to be available to co-workers and patients instead of being fully present for bedtime stories. I choose to let the opinion of my colleagues trump those of my children. I choose to stay in a city with an exorbitant cost of living instead of saving those thousands of dollars per month toward an earlier retirement. My life can be different-with sacrifices- if I choose it to be. I can choose to leave my particular specialty in medicine and a job with more geographical flexibility, but less intellectual interest. I can choose to take a non-clinical job. I can choose to do something entirely outside of medicine- at the expense of clinical volume or loss in income. But I do have choices I have been reluctant to acknowledge. Of course, the question of whether I would choose differently still remains, but the reality is I have not allowed myself consideration of those other choices.

So what does “smashing success” (as Jenny Blake puts it) look like for me in 2023? It is not more academic papers published, more titles or committee appointments, more clinical volume or acclaim, or even promotion. Smashing success, to me, is the ability to live a life more under my control. Where I am joyful and at peace doing what I am good at, and what is meaningful to me. Smashing success is waking up and feeling fully rested, which may mean I need to sleep 9 to 10 hours per night. It is being able to enjoy breakfast with my children on weekdays. Being successful is having time to read, meditate and exercise at least 3 times per week if not daily. It means being able to unplug from devices without feeling guilty or judged. Success means being a healthier me- physically, mentally and emotionally. It means prioritizing a well-rounded sense of success, NOT just in my professional life. I would be successful if I am working with people who emanate excellence and energy instead of draining it from me.

As working mothers, wouldn’t it be refreshing if we asked each other what our definition of success is in those terms? Not in revenue, titles and acquisitions. But in the power to order and shape our day and prioritize ourselves and our families. To be able to put equal weight to our “other” job as mother and partner and have those successes be just as celebrated and supported. This is the idea of motherhood that is no either/or. It is having all aspects of me being seen and honored by others but also permission for me to as giddy about victories at home as at work. Here’s to a smashingly successful 2023!